Adoption Reunion Support

My Mom Can't Cope

Months ago I published a success story in my newsletter about a young woman who sent her birthfather a letter. Actually she sent him a letter and got no response.  Then she worked with me and we put together a second letter which resulted in him contacting her in just three days!  It was a very happy time.

Things between she and her "biodad" (as he calls himself) have been steadily progressing and despite living on opposite coasts they are forming a good relationship.  As she prepared to meet him for the first time she felt it was important to be open with her family (she was raised by her birthmother and adopted by her birthmother's husband).  The reaction that she received was not what she had hoped for....

Setting Limits

Sally wrote to me about a situation she is having with her 30 year old birthson who has moved into her home. To say that things are stressful would be a huge understatement. Her concerns cover issues such as: cleanliness, helpfulness, physical threats, laziness, and a victim mentality.  She came to me asking how she should deal with the fact that her birthson is not living up to the "agreement" they made when he moved in.

Our first discussion related to her motivations for allowing him to move in in the first place. Her reasons seemed to boil down to a simple answer when all was said, explained, hashed out and pondered upon....

Don't push out your spouse!

LeeAnn posed this question, "How do you ensure that your spouse does not "get lost" throughout the reunion?"

LeeAnn, this is a great question and one that definitely deserves some attention.  And, this isn't limited to just spouses, but to the entire family - and sometimes close friends too.  I think that all family members will, at some point, feel pushed aside and neglected.  The goal is to minimize this as much as possible.

In the first year of reunion it is perfectly NORMAL for the priorities of the primary people involved to radically shift. I define primary people as any member of the adoption triad. As priorities shift so does the allocation of time and attention. Most spouses, family members and close friends are understanding and supportive - to a point.  But, at some point they will want things to "be normal" again.  This is only normal for them.  As you can see, this results in a situation where two "normal reactions" appear to be at odds.

Hesitant Birthsiblings

Cathy posed the question, "Why would your birthsiblings not want to meet you?"  Cathy is an adoptee in reunion with her birthmom, who has several other children that she raised.  All of these children know about Cathy's existence, but none have made any move toward meeting her.

Cathy, there are a lot of reasons for this - let's take a look and see what might be there.