Asking for what you want

There are a lot of people out there who are in reunion... but you'd barely know it. Most of them have had some contact - and frequently they have even met face to face.  But it seems that their reunion is going nowhere fast.

Over and over again I hear people complain about how the "other person" isn't giving them what they need. And usually that complaint seems pretty reasonable because often what the other person is offering is, well... not much of anything.

And so, PATIENCE has become a very dirty word for a lot of people. And, when it runs out they find themselves looking into their sack of tricks.

It seems that the favorite tricks take one of three forms.

1. There are fantastic feats of subtle (or not so subtle) force
2. There are meek and suggestive manipulations
3. And there is good ol' guilt.

I am always surprised that the most direct method of getting what they want isn't ever mentioned.  By that I mean simple honesty. No frills. No fanfare. No hype. Just simple honesty. ASKING for what you want - it's a novel approach isn't it?

I have discovered that a lot of people don't know HOW to ask for what they want. And then they are disappointed when they don't get it.  So, let's take a look at asking....it's really quite simple.

1. Sit down and write out a couple of pages of your thoughts about what you want.  Don't censor it... just let it rip!
2. Then walk away, take a 30 minute break and come back with a clear head.  Re-read what you have written and pull out the top three things that you want from someone else.
3. Frame these three things as simple sentences.  A few examples might be "I want Sue to call me once a week" or "I want my Dad to listen to me" or "I want my birthday acknowledged with a card". It is important that these WANTS be framed as simple sentences. NO long story. NO justifications. NO apologies.
4. Contact the person for the purpose of asking - and ask.

Some people think that contacting someone and just asking for what they want is rude. Rude is matter of judgment, but if you find that that is what is stopping you - then be honest about your feelings regarding asking.  But ask!

When I say contact them with purpose I mean it.  This is something that is important to you - and therefore you should treat it that way. Hinting about it in the middle of a 45 minute conversation about your new meatloaf recipe isn't going to get the point across!

So, using one of our examples from above let's take a look at a possible conversation. Say you call Sue and after your initial 30 seconds of Hi, How are you? is over you can explain why you are calling. "I want you to know that you are important to me. It is important to me that we are honest with each other and there is something I would like to ask you.  Please consider this and let me know your thoughts and feelings.  It would mean a lot to me if you would call me once a week.  Will you do that?"

The secret is in the ASKING! Many of us could get through all but the last 4 words.... but we would stop there.  And, at that point there hasn't been a question posed.  Without a question there isn't a call for an answer. We might express ourselves and they might hear us, but there is no real invitation for an immediate response.  The key to getting an answer is to ask a real question!

Look at your reunion... is there something in it that you feel a need to ask for? If so... why don't you give the simple exercise above a try. You might just find out that you DO get what you ask for!

Comments

[MT Lyons]

Christi:
Yes, honesty is exactly what one learns as the first step in clarifying needs, goals and expectations, and finding one does have deeply-seated judgments which are hidden away once one peels back the personal reference book's pages of our feelings! I'm grateful for the chance to respond to this blog.
I love TheWork which you introduced me to Christi, and the results I have obtained because of your keen insight. You helped me overcome much, including unresolved feelings of the guilt of relinquishing my birthdaughter 32 years ago: guilt which I carried with me "for just ever" after making the best decision for my birthdaughter "at the time." I found out I have a relationship story; however, it just wasn't the outcome I hoped for when I searched and successfully "found" my birthdaughter in 2004.
Christi, you helped me realize by asking the right questions of myself, that I wasn't exactly flat-out rejected by her and that I'm just in a holding period until she establishes whether or not if she wants to be in a relationship with me. Perhaps the greatest result from our work together based from Byron Katie's The Work was that I learned to not sit in judgment, to delve into myself, and to resolve my goals and objectives. Most most importantly, I gained great insight because you helped me "ask the right questions."
Thank you.
Sincerely,
MT Lyons

[Janet Johnson]

My reunion has been rewarding beyond words. Two years ago this September I found my birth mother and discovered that I have a wonderful half brother. I had prepared myself for rejection but not for the overwhelming love and acceptance from my birth family. I do have one issue. My sister (an adoptee also) chooses not to have any conversation about nor contact with my birth family. She seemed excited for me at first and did come to a reunion luncheon where my adoptive mother,my husband, birth mother and her husband, my half brother and his wife and my sister's husband all met. My sister was very cordial but since then has been silent when I mention anything about my birth family. She does not want to search for her birth parents and I do respect that and have not tried to pressure her about searching. She has said that she is happy for me but it doesn't have anything to do with her. My adoptive mother has embraced my choice and has frequent phone conversations with my birth mom. My other issue is the logistics of where we all live. My husband and I live in Colorado and my birth and adoptive families live in So Cal within 60 miles of each other. My adoptive sister (through her body language and silence) is not pleased about my visits with my birth family. I have been very careful not to slight my adoptive family. In fact, I may have gone "over-board" trying to be fair. The reason I have not discussed this with her is because her typical reaction is denial and anger when any mention of her feelings are brought up. The other reason is that our adoptive mother does not want to see any conflict between us. I know that I am letting others control my feelings and behavior and that I am trying to please everyone. I would sure appreciate any suggestions on how I can deal with this.

[Christi Bender]

Janet,
Thank you for posting your comment. I think that your situation is more common than you might know.

Just as blood siblings are often very different.... so are adopted siblings. The fact that your sister has no interest in searching at this time is her preference... much like her taste in food. :) It appears as though you are very "clear" that her preferences are hers... it is your job to remember that in the more heated moments!

I gather that when you set up the luncheon you invited your closest family members. You asked for what you wanted... and you got it! Good going! It sounds like your sister has responded in a way that is polite, but distant. While this may sometimes feel rude... it probably really isn't. Rather it is simply polite, but distant.

From your words it appears that she has stated, in so many words, that she is not comfortable with this topic, and her actions are conveying that clearly. Sometimes we want what we want - and we can't or don't understand why other people aren't sharing in our feelings. Suffice it say our feelings are OUR feelings... just because other people are close to us doesn't mean they will always agree with us!

I think, therefore, that this situation requires some mutual respect. When we talk about respect we have to remember that we can only control OUR respect of others.... which means you can control how you display your respect toward your sister. If you recognize that this topic is uncomfortable to her it is up to you how you will react around her regarding this situation.

You cannot control her reactions, thoughts or feelings. Wanting her to change is, as they say, "HOPELESS"... Please do yourself a huge favor and don't GO THERE, OK? You focus your attention on what you CAN control... not on what you can't control.

It seems to me that you are uncomfortable when she displays her disinterest or disapproval of your contact with your birthfamily. She is entitled to her opinion. You know that...and that is a good thing to remember. And, you are entitled to yours. You can respect your sister AND have your own opinion. You can acknowledge your sister's feelings AND express your own.

Sometimes people really just want to be acknowledged and heard. Have you tried asking her how she feels? I mean asking - and then listening...without justifying your own feelings or trying to sway her opinions. Often when we show respect to other people we find that they are able to offer that same respect in response. I know you said that she is not comfortable talking about her feelings... so only you know if this subject should be broached at all - or not.

Please understand that I am not saying she should (or can) "control" your actions... I am simply reminding you that you control your actions, and perhaps you have been compassionately choosing to respect her feelings. I think that is taking the high road and I commend you for it!

Regarding your visits with your birthfamily. I think you need to remember that not EVERYTHING ALWAYS needs to be shared. I NEVER encourage people to lie.... that would be living out of your integrity and nothing is worth that. However, is it necessary for you to always announce that you are visiting your birthfamily? Are there ways that you can live honestly and within your integrity without flaunting your visits with your birthfamily so that you can respect your sister's feelings?

If this seems like it is disrespecting your family, then please be honest about your actions...but be honest in a straightforward and unemotional way. There is no reason that you need to justify, defend, or apologize for your bonds with your birthfamily. If you don't make a big deal out of it - it won't be as big a deal to the people around you.

I hope that this helped.... please let us know how things go as you remember to stand in your integrity, respect yourself and your sister (without trying to control her feelings and actions) and allow compassion and honesty to guide you.