Sally wrote to me about a situation she is having with her 30 year old birthson who has moved into her home. To say that things are stressful would be a huge understatement. Her concerns cover issues such as: cleanliness, helpfulness, physical threats, laziness, and a victim mentality. She came to me asking how she should deal with the fact that her birthson is not living up to the "agreement" they made when he moved in.
Our first discussion related to her motivations for allowing him to move in in the first place. Her reasons seemed to boil down to a simple answer when all was said, explained, hashed out and pondered upon....
Her son was "lost" and had spent years wandering from place to place and job to job trying to find himself. His adoptive mother felt that if he reconnected to his birthfamily it might provide him with the roots he was lacking to move forward productively. Sally wanted to give him that support as well as an opportunity to save some money to pay off his debts.
She discussed the situation with her husband and grown (and moved out) children and decided to give living under one roof with her birthson a chance. At first everyone expected some adjustment issues so there were no real surprises. Soon however reality set in. Her birthson did not have the same work ethic and feelings about being a responsible and contributing member of the family as the other kids.
Before long it became clear that a double standard was in effect. There was one set of rules for her birthson and another set for everyone else. Tempers were beginning to rise and things were not looking good when Sally came to me for help.
It was clear to me that this was basically an issue regarding healthy boundaries and guilt. Sally was aware that she had not set up good rules for her household and even worse - there were no consequences in place. She was also struggling with guilt, a common - but crippling - theme.
When we are trying to assimilate a new member into our family home (birthchild, grandchild or aged parent) there simply needs to be some VERY clear communication and a defined (preferably in writing) agreement regarding expectations and consequences. This alone is only as good as the people standing behind it, but it is a critical starting point. Often this is not done, or even talked about, because people worry about how they will be perceived. The fear of "not being liked" is strong - and even stronger in reunion situations. Nevertheless, not communicating clearly sets up a situation for disappointment, anger, resentment and ultimately serious and lasting damage to the new reunion relationship AND the existing relationships between other family members.
If having these kinds of "upfront" conversations is hard for you I would encourage you to utilize Inquiry as a way of questioning the fears that are standing between you and communicating honestly with the people you love. If you would like to know more about Inquiry a good place to start is the Resource page at http://www.myreunioncoach.com.
Comments