Months ago I published a success story in my newsletter about a young woman who sent her birthfather a letter. Actually she sent him a letter and got no response. Then she worked with me and we put together a second letter which resulted in him contacting her in just three days! It was a very happy time.
Things between she and her "biodad" (as he calls himself) have been steadily progressing and despite living on opposite coasts they are forming a good relationship. As she prepared to meet him for the first time she felt it was important to be open with her family (she was raised by her birthmother and adopted by her birthmother's husband). The reaction that she received was not what she had hoped for....
Her Mom was not able to be supportive of this reunion. In fact, that is a huge understatement. In the last few months tensions have been high, scheduled visits have been altered and canceled and angry feelings have been voiced.
The question posed to me by this adoptee in reunion was, "How can I get my Mom to understand what I need? Why does she have to make this about her?" My advice here relates back to the Three Kinds Business.
In The Work of Byron Katie - Inquiry - we are taught that there are only three kinds of business in the world. Mine. Yours. And Gods. The way you know if you are in your own business or not is to simply ask yourself... Whose business is it what I understand? That would clearly be yours. And likewise, in this situation, it is clearly this Mom's business what she understands. Of course that is a lot easier to hear in theory than to swallow in reality!
Still, just finding that nugget of clarity released some of the ties that bound this adoptee to her misguided feelings of responsibility. We are each responsible for ourselves. Yes - it is important to spare other people pain and turmoil when possible - of course... but ultimately we cannot control how they will perceive any situation, what they will think about it, how those thoughts will collide with their existing beliefs and how they will feel, act or respond.
While we may hope that everyone can get along and be supportive, that sometimes isn't possible. In those situations it is important to understand why the reunion is important to YOU. This is one of the reasons that getting some coaching before entering a reunion can be helpful! This adoptee knew that finding her birthfather was something she needed to do - and she has no regrets about that. The fact that her mother is unable to support her has been painful - but recognizing what was really necessary for her own growth has enabled her to maintain her position and continue building a relationship with the father she never knew.
In every situation is an opportunity to learn. When our parents withhold their support we often feel lost and adrift. This is sometimes the perfect situation for us to test our own strength of conviction and to learn to stand in our integrity. We all have choices at various times in our lives that won't be supported by everyone close to us. That doesn't mean we shouldn't make those choices. Learning to "stay in your business" while being as compassionate as possible to those around you is a wonderful lesson that sometimes can only be learned the hard way.
I have had a very possitive reunion with my birth mother since July21st o6.However all she said about my birth father was that he was of Italian heritage and that she was forbidden to see him again, and that he does not know of my birth.My birth mother and I have been emailing 2 to 3 times daily and will be meeting in Sept. I do wish to find out more about my birth father, but don't know how to approach the questions. Can you help?
Marybeth
Posted by: Marybeth Maltby | Thursday, August 10, 2006 at 11:58 PM