Adoptees who reject Birth-Siblings

Lisa submitted a post addressing a situation she has with her birthsibling.  Lisa is a "kept" child who found her relinquished birth sister.  The reunion has had its ups and downs with the adoptee displaying some inconsistent behavior.  The adoptee acts as if she wants to be treated better than the kept children by the birth mother and wants control over the reunion in terms of contact and tone.

Lisa, I want to start out by commending you for taking the initiative of finding your sister.  I really think that is wonderful!  In your post you mentioned that when you found her she was in her mid 20's.  Sometimes the mid 20's can be a turbulent time as people are trying to find themselves, finish school, start a career, find a mate and maybe start a family.  There can be a lot going on!  But, that said it doesn't explain away some of her behaviors.

What I am hearing from you is that your sister has some control issues.  She seems to be acting them out with you and your family by trying to control the frequency of contact, the tone of that contact and her place within the family structure.  This is not uncommon behavior for an adoptee, especially one who has not fully "come into her own" yet.  When a person is trying hard to find their place in the world it can feel unstable and frightening.  A natural reaction to that feeling is to attempt to protect oneself by controlling the situation.

If that makes sense to you it might help you see her with a little compassion, which can enable you to soften a little inside when you think about or have contact with your sister.  That is one way that you can be kind to yourself - and stay open for a possible future relationship with her when she ready. 

I would also encourage you to establish some boundaries in your relationship with her. I wrote about boundaries in my last newsletter and framed them as cushions instead of walls.  In your particular situation I think this could be especially useful!  In setting up healthy boundaries it is necessary to communicate them however.  That seems like it might be difficult given your sisters limited contact at the moment.  That doesn't need to stop you from having the cushion effect internally though!

One of the ways that you can set internal boundaries is by changing your perspective about what you expect from yourself.  It sounds like maybe you feel somewhat responsible for this reunion since you found her.  And, I get that you feel protective toward your mother too.  Please take some time to really think about what is, and what is not, your responsibility.

It is your responsibility to be kind to yourself, gentle with the people you care about, honest and respectful.

It is not your responsibility to protect your mother (she is a big girl and may need to seek out a supportive environment, a therapist or a coach of her own). It is also not your responsibility to make your sister feel better. She is going to feel what she feels until she is done feeling it.  You can keep an open door, be available (with self protecting limits - boundaries), and hold the space for a future relationship when she is ready.

The key to all of this is living in your integrity and practicing honest communication while taking care of yourself.  By living a life of gentle, honesty and feeling compassion for YOURSELF and the people around you - your internal guidance will be able to speak to you.  Pause, quiet your mind and listen to your heart.  From everything you wrote I can see that you have a very tender one!

Comments

[Lisa]

Thank you for your reply.
I could understand my sister wanting to cut everyone off if all of us did not accept her. But we all have. When I first contacted her she told me and the rest of the family that she wanted us all to be close. That she had always wanted a big family. One that had big get togethers, parties, spent Holidays together. I feel that she just said what we wanted to hear at the beginning. We all welcomed her with open arms in our family. Even my father, he is not her bio Dad. He welcomed her into our family and wanted to treat her just as he did the rest of his kids. After all why would I have searched for her if I never wanted to get to know her? My mother has tried over and over again to make things work with her. My sister wants everyone else to change to better her. But she will not budge. I told her before that we have lived our life a certain way just as she has and there needed to be a middle ground. She did not want to meet any of us in the middle. We just had to do what she wanted us to do. Which was meeting only her needs. She has never showed any kind of compassion for any of us and now she has said that she can no longer come around us since things aren't working out. I feel that we have done all we could do to help this situation. Of course she believes that we are the reason everything hasn't worked.

[Lisa]

I have come to realize that I can only do so much. I'm not able to fix everyone else's problems when it comes to my sister and the rest of the family. I have tried and tried and even when it seems that things might start to get better it’s never good enough. I feel stuck in the middle of everything even if I don't want to be, I have no choice. How can I go on trying to work things out and even have a relationship with my sister if my Mom and her can't or won't?

[Grace]

I was touched by the Adoptees who reject Birth-Siblings posts. My younger brother and sister were adopted out of foster care at the age of seven (twins). At first, the family seemed to want me to be closely involved in the kid's lives. After a year or so, they began having problems with my younger brother, ending with him moving to a group home. I heard horror stories about him from the parents, and horror stories about the parents from him. I tried to remain neutral, yet supportive to both sides. It was around this time that the parents began to ignore my calls and/or flake on scheduled visits. When I did speak with the parents, they were cold and slightly hostile. Even though I tried to support and listen to them, they seemed paranoid and were very afraid of me talking to my brother. They were, of course, ashamed about the way they handled a few situations with him. I tried to make it clear I wasn't a threat to them, but to no avail. The adoptive mother also made a strange comment about resenting the closeness I shared with my siblings. I am still so hurt because I feel that I've been so careful and polite and supportive to the point that I felt I was walking on eggshells. Yet it didn't matter what I did or said. It seemed the parents were determined to cut me out. Now my sister has the same coldness in her tone if/when she returns my emails. I do have a close relationship with my brother because he doesn't live with them anymore. My husband and best friend both say it has nothing to do with me, but I can't help but to wonder what I did to make them hate me so much? I feel wronged, robbed of a sister and completely misunderstood.