Tired of the victim story

Julie submitted a question about her birth son (they have been in reunion for 6 years).  They have limited contact and from what Julie posted her son seems to fall back on his adoption as the "excuse" for his life not being all that it could be.  He is also inconsistent in his words and actions regarding his relationship with Julie - saying that he loves her, but barely having any contact and blaming her for his life's circumstances. Julie wants to know what she can do to help him.

Julie - first off I want to let you know that I really admire your tenacity in staying in this reunion because it must be very hard and frequently very painful. 

At the risk of being redundant to other publications I will offer this to start: People often resist taking responsibility for their lives!  It appears that your son has bought into the convenient

pattern of thinking that since he had no control over his life at the beginning (please tell me who DID?) - he isn't responsible for it.  You mentioned in your letter that he often acts as if he is a "minority" because he is adopted.  Well sure... but I am a minority because I own horses... so what?  I am not trivializing being adopted (Lord knows), but what does that "minority" status have to do with anything? Nothing. It is an excuse that he uses as "proof" to cop out when he doesn't want to be responsible.

Your son is young right now and some of this may well sort itself out in time as he matures and walks willingly into a more responsible mindset.  But, there are no guarantees that will happen.  Some people, adopted or not, birth parent or adoptee - really love to be the victim.  I did this too for decades so I can relate from my own very personal and extended experience.  So long as I was the victim I didn't have to stand for anything - or make anything happen - or be proactive in my own life.  I could lay back and wait for the world to save me.

Thankfully no one did. And I finally got sick of being miserable and started looking at my life as MY life - from the present moment on out - and that was when I began living. Thankfully I was spending my time around people who did not cater to emotional tirades. I would be upset, show it, and get told in no uncertain terms that if I wanted my life to be different I better change it. I would encourage you to do the same - and perhaps back it up with examples of how other adoptees have gone on and really made something of their lives.  There are adoptees in every area of life excelling - from entertainment (Faith Hill) to sports (Dan O'Brien) to politics (Gerald Ford) - see a list here.  Being an adoptee doesn't mean you don't get a life. Period. 

But be prepared for this approach to not be welcome.  He may pull back more, and that fear could prevent you from standing in your truth - but it could also free you to enter a more authentic relationship with your son. There are risks to rocking the boat - but there are also rewards.  And, this could be brought up in a way that encourages dialog and doesn't shut it down. The key is to be gentle.

I would also encourage you to set healthy boundaries for yourself.  Only you can dictate what treatment you will accept.  People treat us in the manner we allow.  Change your acceptable terms if you aren't happy the treatment you are receiving. Doing this gradually will prevent huge backlash, but it appears as though your son may benefit from a good example to show him how to stand in his own truth.

I hope that this has been helpful.  I realize this post is more strongly worded than my normal responses.  I feel very passionate about enabling people every possible opportunity to OWN THEIR LIFE.  Often we have to own our own as an example - and raise our expectations for those around us.  More often than not people WILL live up to (or down to unfortunately) the expectations we hold for them.  In the end - find your integrity. Stand in it honestly. Project it gently.

Comments

[james k. pedley]

i loved this story...your advice was excellent. well done. typo in the last para graph. check it out

love jim