Questions Needed!

This is your chance to post new questions, concerns or ponderings.... let's see what we can find to talk about here!  :)  Just click on the word "comment" below and then type it in....  I'll review it soon!

Comments

[rainmon]

How often does G.S.A. happen ? and how can you tell if it is the beginning of that, or just an intense relationship. and what is the best way to handle it.
" A concerned Spouse of a Birthparent"

[MT Lyons]

My bdaughter's birthday is April 5th. I have not heard from her since last Mother's Day.
I've been thinking I might send her a card, a little early, on the day she was supposed to come into this world. As her original mom, I'm the only person who knows this date. Part of me is fearful of receiving the same "no acknowledgement" on her part; however, I feel a strong urge to let her know I do think of her, and that I've never forgotten her actual due date, in addition to her birthdate (nor did I ever forget her on a daily basis).
The card from me would simply say, "(Name), I'm sending this on your original due date, March 21st. Both the 21st and the 5th are days I never forget. I hope you have a wonderful birthday, I'm thinking of you."
What do you think? I'm not asking her to give me anything, is that o.k.? Not putting any pressure on her, but letting her know I'm here. Any suggestions? Thank you.
Love, MT

[karla]

MT.... I say, Certainly, go ahead and send "M" a card with a short "family update" note. You do have things to share. I just mailed JA's this morning (in time for the 23rd). As we have discussed many times before, we are in similar situations and the doors have NOT been closed to us. One of these days, God willing, just maybe we'll be invited in for Tea.
Hugs
"K"

[Heartened]

Christi,

Can you talk a bit about finding a deceased parent at the end of your search? I've just found my sisters a few days ago and, in doing so, learned that our mom died almost 8 years ago. I'm not sure how I feel about this - I've honestly never been good at "feeling my feelings." I do know that it has crossed my mind a number of times in the ensuing days - things like, I'll probably never know the identity of my birth father now. At the same time, I recognize that I will get a chance to know her through the people who loved her best - her children, her sisters, etc. I feel pretty good about that. But I'm definitely confused about my feelings that I'll never get to meet her myself.

I guess I don't have a specific question, more of a hope that you'll maybe do an article about this topic.

Thanks so much - I think you're amazing!

[MT Lyons]

Do you know that DMC is adopted(rap artist from Run DMC)? His most current body of work has a song/video featuring Sarah McLaughlin, on VH1, is dedicated to "all those touched by adoption" with the song lyrics from Harry Chapin's "Cat's In The Cradle." The song/video is quite powerful and moving--leaving no doubt about the rap artist's feelings and his view of adoption.
DMC also has searched for his birthmother, another documentary featured on VH1.
Both are worth "gold" and potentially have the opportunity to change current perspectives viewing the adoption process. The perspective is of humanity--bringing humanity to an often "silent" majority: the birthmother and relenqished child/adoptive parents and adoptee.
So very worth checking out.
Love, MT

[Lisa]

I have a sister that was given up for adoption at birth. We share the same bmom.
I started searching for her when I knew she would be 18 years old. After six years I found her. Everything was great over the phone. The so called reunion was even alright. After she moved to our state. Her choice not ours she wanted my Mom to treat her better than she treated the rest of us. I guess she feels that my Mom will always owe her. My Mom did what she thought was the best at the time. Besides me she also has two other sisters and a brother. She controls when she wants a relationship with us. She is always closing the door whenever she feels like it with my Mom and the rest of us. My Mom's health is suffering because of all this. Just recently she told me that she wanted her and I to be close but she would no longer be coming around and that she is moving. I did hear from her today. It was by instant messaging. She just said hello. Other than that I haven't heard from her in a couple of months. Before today the last time I had talked to her she told me she hadn't contacted me because she was to busy but I haven't contacted her either. But I have and that upsets me. Its like I can never do enough to please her or she just wants to play the victim. My sister moved to our state and she said she was moving here to better her and her family and we were just a bonus. Another things is she is always lying. Its like she doesn't care to hurt us. She will be moving back to where she use to live soon so I'm sure I'll never see or hear from her again. I wish their was something for us siblings that are suffering because we are being rejected.

[MT Lyons]

Christi:
I appreciate your article and insightful message about Boundaries. It is not surprising that when I feel "I've got to do this" or "I should have said this, but I held back my true feelings", I'm really speaking to the fact that I'm not honoring my own boundaries. Therefore, I'm seeking to retreat from honesty, actually. This is something I am working on: feeling able to express my true feelings.
It is interesting for me to share that my animals love me unconditionally and that I reciprocate that unconditional love with them. We're safe and we're 100% even in the love and trust department. I do not feel this safe in dealing with people--I have erected walls as thick as mortar around myself, but I realize after reading your article that I haven't effectively set up any boundaries. The wall's are up, but no one is occupying the space which the walls are there to protect!
As a child, I played a game which most children play, "Dare to cross over the invisible line" drawn in imagination as play with my friends. If one crossed the boundary, there was a "play" penalty previously discussed and shared with my friends. From reading your article on Boundaries comes a perspective and "Ah-ha moment" which informs me that I must reach back to that childlike feeling where setting boundaries was a place of ok-ness. I completely lost that feeling as I gained adult knowledge when no one would help me as a pregnant unwed teen and felt forced to relinquish my child.
It is not about blaming anyone for not helping me though, but about me helping me "be me." Now I realize that for me to continue moving forward in life I must recreate a child-like mindset where I protected my boundaries and was unafraid to do so. It was a timeframe where I felt it was just fine to state what I expected and wanted with nothing attached but my own true wishes.
Thirty-two years later, I'm finding boundaries are a great thing to have and if I was disenfranchised as a young unwed teen, then as an adult I'm making my life meaningful by examining "how to get back those good feelings in setting boundaries." It won't be the easiest thing for me to change in my life, but it will be one of the best things I can do: honoring myself without feeling selfish and being able to express honestly how I feel without fear of censorship.
Great article, Christi, thank you.
Love, MT

[Denivic]

I just came across your site today, and find it very interesting. I hope you can help me with a question I have.
I have recently been reunited with my Birthson of 33 years, and, so far, it has been a wonderful experience. My husband and daughter have also been very supportive.
My question is, how do I introduce him to friends and acquaintances we meet while in public, who did not know of his existence. I do not want to embarass him unnecessarily.
Thanks for your advice on this.
Denivic