Adoption Reunion Support

Finding a grave...

Someone posted a comment about "what if you find out your birth parent is deceased"?  For sure this is a tough situation and something that everyone should contemplate when they begin a search.  This is one of the reasons identifying your reasons for searching can be very helpful.

If you have thought about why a search is important for YOU, it could be that most of your reasons for it can still be satisfied.  Focusing on that is very important because it helps to balance out the disappointment that will surely come at some point.

For most of us there are certain answers that can ONLY come from our birth parents...

Relax...

Click here for a short video to help you find a few moments of peace....

Tired of the victim story

Julie submitted a question about her birth son (they have been in reunion for 6 years).  They have limited contact and from what Julie posted her son seems to fall back on his adoption as the "excuse" for his life not being all that it could be.  He is also inconsistent in his words and actions regarding his relationship with Julie - saying that he loves her, but barely having any contact and blaming her for his life's circumstances. Julie wants to know what she can do to help him.

Julie - first off I want to let you know that I really admire your tenacity in staying in this reunion because it must be very hard and frequently very painful. 

At the risk of being redundant to other publications I will offer this to start: People often resist taking responsibility for their lives!  It appears that your son has bought into the convenient

Birthday card?

MT has posed a question about sending a birthday card to her birth daughter on what would have been her birth daughter's due date.  They have had almost no contact except for a few very brief exchanges over the last couple of years.  MT has proposed this, " The card from me would simply say, "(Name), I'm sending this on your original due date, March 21st.  Both the 21st and the 5th are days I never forget. I hope you have a wonderful birthday, I'm thinking of you."

MT - I think that sending a birthday card is perfectly okay.  Your daughter has never told you NOT to contact her and you have not made a habit of making contact more than a few times a year. What you are proposing writing is thoughtful, intimate and warm.  It is not pushy, as you are not asking her for anything. It is not overwhelming as you are not sharing your feelings, difficult as I know they must be.

Genetic Sexual Attraction

The following question was submitted, "How often does G.S.A. happen? and how can you tell if it is the beginning of that, or just an intense relationship?  What is the best way to handle it."

Genetic Sexual Attraction is said to exist at some level in approximately 50% of all reunions. In the vast majority of these reunions this attraction is kept in check and slowly fades as the new familial roles are developed and accepted as normal.

The BEST way to tell if this is happening or if the relationship is just rushing forward in a "more normal" sense is to simply ask lots of questions.  Honestly bringing up the conversation without being accusing or defensive will encourage the open discussion of all feelings and reactions.  Many times the new feelings in a reunion are confusing, mixed and very hard to articulate. Through the process of discussion these feelings can be more clearly understood by all parties.

Don't push out your spouse!

LeeAnn posed this question, "How do you ensure that your spouse does not "get lost" throughout the reunion?"

LeeAnn, this is a great question and one that definitely deserves some attention.  And, this isn't limited to just spouses, but to the entire family - and sometimes close friends too.  I think that all family members will, at some point, feel pushed aside and neglected.  The goal is to minimize this as much as possible.

In the first year of reunion it is perfectly NORMAL for the priorities of the primary people involved to radically shift. I define primary people as any member of the adoption triad. As priorities shift so does the allocation of time and attention. Most spouses, family members and close friends are understanding and supportive - to a point.  But, at some point they will want things to "be normal" again.  This is only normal for them.  As you can see, this results in a situation where two "normal reactions" appear to be at odds.

Hesitant Birthsiblings

Cathy posed the question, "Why would your birthsiblings not want to meet you?"  Cathy is an adoptee in reunion with her birthmom, who has several other children that she raised.  All of these children know about Cathy's existence, but none have made any move toward meeting her.

Cathy, there are a lot of reasons for this - let's take a look and see what might be there. 

Questions Needed!

This is your chance to post new questions, concerns or ponderings.... let's see what we can find to talk about here!  :)  Just click on the word "comment" below and then type it in....  I'll review it soon!