Hesitant Birthsiblings

Cathy posed the question, "Why would your birthsiblings not want to meet you?"  Cathy is an adoptee in reunion with her birthmom, who has several other children that she raised.  All of these children know about Cathy's existence, but none have made any move toward meeting her.

Cathy, there are a lot of reasons for this - let's take a look and see what might be there. 

Cathy, there are a lot of reasons for this - let's take a look and see what might be there. 

1. Their definition of "family" may include only people they have always acknowledged as relatives or who married into the family.
2. They have lives that feel full and complete and they are not seeing how getting to know you might enhance them - individually or as a family unit.
3. They were brought up never knowing about you and since being told it doesn't seem real.  This could very well be the case if you are not physically present in their home or community.
4. They have a certain picture of who their mother is and accepting the fact that she had a child and relinquished it doesn't "fit" into their view of her.  Altering that view may be unsettling to them.
5. They may have very protective feelings about their mother and feel loyal to her. Perhaps they think that getting to know you would be a violation of that loyalty.
6. They may feel threatened by you, especially if you had a very different life than they did or if you had opportunities and experiences that they never were offered.
7. They may feel threatened by you if their perception is that you are "better" than them and they might worry that you will become "more important" causing them to feel defensive.
8. They may be afraid of the new responsibilities that come with opening up to a new family member. This could be a very broad concept including everything from emotional vulnerability to new time commitments.
9. They may simply be very self absorbed and not curious by nature.
10. They may be waiting to see if this "new addition" to the family is going to be accepted on a larger scale.  We can't know how open your birthmother is about her relationship with you.  If she is silent your existence may still seem like a secret and broaching that topic may not feel comfortable to them.

Comments

[Ann]

Cathy and Christi
I was one of the birthmoms who kept silent until contacted by my bson (34yr old.) After contact I told daughter (29) and son (31) and over the last 4 years have given them many opportunities to persue a relationship, but to date they are still very much apart. Why? I'm not sure.

They each say they want to have more to do with each other, but noone is putting in the effort or energy to make it a reality. From the conversations I have had with all three, I presume that No 8 is the stumbling block. We are divided by an ocean so it isn't easy. Bson is single, travels extensively and has an active social life, and the other two have married, one has a new baby, they are building houses and families so....... their energies are going in different directions. I seem to have fallen into the role of go-between, passing on their comings and goings, news and regards. (e.g. "say Hi" to so-and-so when you are next speaking to them.) Are they making any progress??? No.... They have knowledge of each other but noone has stepped up with a willingness to take it further. I like to think that if they were in each other's company for a week or so, it would make the connection a reality...... but that may just be me, dreaming. We had an Easter camping trip planned, but that's been postponed. One has a friends wedding, and bson is going to be in Bali. There will be another time. Someone said - we have the rest of our lives to make this work....I've concluded that it's obviously not the right time of life for them so I'll just work on the them and I

Much as I would really love my children to know, love, like and understand each other, I would prefer them to stay "unconnected" if they have neither the will or commitment for this to be a meaningful friend/sibling relationship.