Genetic Sexual Attraction

The following question was submitted, "How often does G.S.A. happen? and how can you tell if it is the beginning of that, or just an intense relationship?  What is the best way to handle it."

Genetic Sexual Attraction is said to exist at some level in approximately 50% of all reunions. In the vast majority of these reunions this attraction is kept in check and slowly fades as the new familial roles are developed and accepted as normal.

The BEST way to tell if this is happening or if the relationship is just rushing forward in a "more normal" sense is to simply ask lots of questions.  Honestly bringing up the conversation without being accusing or defensive will encourage the open discussion of all feelings and reactions.  Many times the new feelings in a reunion are confusing, mixed and very hard to articulate. Through the process of discussion these feelings can be more clearly understood by all parties.

Without the historical norms to define roles there can be a blurring of roles for some people in the beginning of a reunion.  It is normal for new reunion members to want to impress each other - and it is VERY normal for participants to feel obsessed with each other. If you are seeing this behavior do not immediately assume that it is anything "wrong".  Obsession is quite common, but different than feeling sexually attracted.  The only way to know how someone is feeling is to inquire.

It is very important that this inquiry be done in an open and safe way.  Many of the wounds in adoption situations stem from secrecy and shame.  In order to heal those wounds and move forward in a HEALTHY manner it is important that everyone feel safe in expressing their feelings.

If the situation seems to be inappropriate or if secrecy and shame are present  you should seek the help of a qualified therapist.

Comments

[rainmon]

In regards to the G.S.A. question, if you could explain something, I'm not sure what type of open questions or inquiries that you feel should be asked. How does one broach a subject like that? And I'm not even sure what is normal behavior (with reunion) and what is not in this situation to begin with, but it is an uneasy feeling lately and I don't like the feel of it. I'm not sure where things are going with this. Should I just wait to see if it is becoming a G.S.A situation, or if maybe I'm just overreacting in this new unfamiliar and intense relationship with someone we just recently met.

[Christi Bender]

Touching on sensitive subjects takes some gentleness, but requires openness. Please understand that there is no real "normal" in reunions. Each situation is very unique and comparing one to another is virtually impossible.

I would encourage you to listen to your gut... but to keep an open mind too. It seems you are doing your best to not over-react and I applaud you for that.

I encourage you to contact me for a sample session, as this may be something we need to explore in detail in a more private setting.

But, for now let me try to answer your question about how to open a conversation and what questions to pose. How about these:

Honey, I have been watching this reunion unfold and parts of it are hard for me to understand. I know I can't feel what you are feeling, but you are very important to me and I want to be able to share this experience with you. I hope you can explain some things about this to me.

What does it feel like to be suddenly connected to someone new like this?

How would you compare this feeling to the feelings you have for your other children? Because you didn't have the role of a parent I realize it must be different, but I don't understand how different. Can you help me?

I can see that this relationship is very important to you. I want to understand what you are experiencing, can you explain it to me?

I have read some things about new reunions and I know that some of the feelings can be similar to an infatuation. Are you having those feelings? Can you explain it to me?

It appears as though this new relationship has an almost compulsive quality to it. I want to be supportive and it would help me to understand this better. Can you tell me some of the things you think about?

I know that you are very happy since the reunion. I am happy for you too. When you look ahead, how do you see (name) fitting into our family?

I hope that helps you. Again, please contact me through the email link on the left column under my photo so we can talk in more detail.