Someone posted a comment about "what if you find out your birth parent is deceased"? For sure this is a tough situation and something that everyone should contemplate when they begin a search. This is one of the reasons identifying your reasons for searching can be very helpful.
If you have thought about why a search is important for YOU, it could be that most of your reasons for it can still be satisfied. Focusing on that is very important because it helps to balance out the disappointment that will surely come at some point.
For most of us there are certain answers that can ONLY come from our birth parents...
and if they are no longer living those answers are forever lost. This is a situation which requires a certain amount of time for mourning. Mourning what might have been, mourning opportunities lost, mourning the images of hopes that you may have held tightly to for years. Still, at some point the mourning process needs to end and then it is important to find what remains.
Your birth parents surely had family - siblings, parents, perhaps children... and through them you may be able to experience your birth family in many wonderful ways. While that might not have been your dream - it can be a wonderful reality.
And, as harsh as this sounds, there are times when having found a deceased birth parent can be a blessing in disguise. There have been cases where the birth parent never told anyone about the relinquished child. They held that secret tightly and may have been unable to face exposing that part of their life - which could have eliminated any chance for a reunion at all, even if they were still living. In that case finding other members of the birth family can offer the possibility of many relationships and finally end all secrecy. With the birth parent gone often there is a new space for welcoming anything connected to them. The secrets and shame of the past are no longer important and a clean slate exists. Relationships with siblings and aunts and uncles can be rich and very rewarding.
There is no "right way" to receive the news that your birth parent is no longer living. Sometimes the immediate feelings are that the void within you is magnified and hopelessness descends. For other people there is a numbness because it is hard to mourn that which you never knew. You are mourning the concept of a person - the hope of a relationship - the dream of answers.... more than the reality. There is no right way to receive this news. The best advice I can offer you is to journal, talk to your support group or coach, and allow your feelings to flow. They will ease up after some time and then you will be able to move forward and build other relationships if that opportunity presents itself. A death does not always mean the end of everything, often there are gifts hidden in even that circumstance. Get the support you need along the way so that you can experience all the gifts your birth family may be able to offer!
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