LeeAnn posed this question, "How do you ensure that your spouse does not "get lost" throughout the reunion?"
LeeAnn, this is a great question and one that definitely deserves some attention. And, this isn't limited to just spouses, but to the entire family - and sometimes close friends too. I think that all family members will, at some point, feel pushed aside and neglected. The goal is to minimize this as much as possible.
In the first year of reunion it is perfectly NORMAL for the priorities of the primary people involved to radically shift. I define primary people as any member of the adoption triad. As priorities shift so does the allocation of time and attention. Most spouses, family members and close friends are understanding and supportive - to a point. But, at some point they will want things to "be normal" again. This is only normal for them. As you can see, this results in a situation where two "normal reactions" appear to be at odds.
The best way to help spouses, other family members and close friends from feeling pushed out of your life is to make definite plans with them for dedicated time together. During these times, which should be more frequent than it would first seem, you should make every effort to NOT monopolize the conversation with talk of your new relationship.
Having a date night with your spouse where they are the center of your attention at least a few times a month is a great idea. Spending special one-on-one days with your children to reassure them that you are still "Mom" or "Dad" is essential to not only their security, but to the evolution of your relationship with them. And, close friends are a necessary component of your support structure, but they too need support - don't forget to listen as much as you talk.
The other component is simply asking them how they are doing and what they need. Everyone needs to feel validated and seen. Taking the time to ask them how they are doing and what they need, and then acting on that information is the best way to show them that they ARE important no matter what else is going on in your life - or reunion.
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