MT has posed a question about sending a birthday card to her birth daughter on what would have been her birth daughter's due date. They have had almost no contact except for a few very brief exchanges over the last couple of years. MT has proposed this, " The card from me would simply say, "(Name), I'm sending this on your original due date, March 21st. Both the 21st and the 5th are days I never forget. I hope you have a wonderful birthday, I'm thinking of you."
MT - I think that sending a birthday card is perfectly okay. Your daughter has never told you NOT to contact her and you have not made a habit of making contact more than a few times a year. What you are proposing writing is thoughtful, intimate and warm. It is not pushy, as you are not asking her for anything. It is not overwhelming as you are not sharing your feelings, difficult as I know they must be.
The only question I would pose to you is this: What is your intention in sending this card?
By asking yourself this question you can begin to understand your level of expectation - which is a good clue about how you will feel after sending the card if she continues to remain quiet.
If you simply want to express to her that you are "there" and that her birthday is important to you - that is great. It would imply that you have no real expectation for a response, although I am aware you are probably hopeful that one would be forthcoming.
If you are sending this in an effort to "bait" her into responding you need to rethink this decision. Manipulation is not honest and has a way of turning on the manipulator in the most subtle of manners, namely you may feel cheated and resentful if she does not respond.
Whenever communication is being sent to a person who has been "hanging back" the only kind thing to do is to question your own intentions. You cannot control their actions, but you can control the situations into which you put yourself.
Christi:
AHA! I had that work all set out, every possible scenario so I would not "hold my breath" nor would I have motives to manipulate in anyway.
Thank you for understanding that I just wanted to reach out and share something quite special to me, having no expectations of/from my birthdaughter. Although I always hold out hope for a reunion in the future if that is what she desires, I am extending myself as "I want to tell you how much your life meant to me and means to me to this day.
And, I will be doing further inquiry as the days pass, so this will be a time of celebration, not of sadness, as it has been for me these almost 32 years. I'm doing The Work, and it has helped me tremendously, as you have, Christi. Way to go, girl!
Gracias, Merci, Aloha, etc.
Love, Ree
Posted by: MT Lyons | Thursday, March 16, 2006 at 12:21 AM