Nudges.. how often?

This question was posted by Marcia, "I have been a birthmom in reunion for 5 years, only the first year being "good". My daughter is non-communicative and my question is how often should I send friendly emails or cards trying to let her know I am not going anywhere and will be here for her when she decides (hopefully) to pick up the pace of reunion?"

I think that nudges need to be spaced out depending on how long the reunion has had to develop. Also, there are no clear cut rules here, so the personalities and the reason for the "pull back" have to be taken into consideration.  If the person pulling back is very timid it would be easy to overwhelm them with too many nudges causing them to possibly feel extremely pressured.  If the person pulling back is generally a self assured individual who has been  lacking confidence in this one area more frequent nudges might be more appropriate.

I would offer these basic thoughts however.

In a brand new situation where there has been NO response or very limited response I would allow 6-8  weeks between nudges.  This keeps the door open, but is not often enough to be considered pushy by most people.  Please recognize that in this situation a nudge needs be just that... a very little nudge. A "Hi, I am still waiting for your response and eagerly anticipating hearing from you."  And not much more.  Including a self addressed, stamped post card or envelope will sometimes help encourage SOME response by the other party. It is always a good idea to make the decision of "yes" as easy for them to make as possible.

If the reunion had some consistent contact or there was positive receptivity and then things went quiet for a while I would encourage more frequent nudges in the 2-3 week time frame.  These might include some very non threatening little "thinking of you" cards wherein there could be a few sentences about what is going on in your life, and maybe a question to invite a response.  These nudges should be thought of as a cheerful one sided communication where you are not especially expecting a response from any one particular note, but rather setting a tone over time of being available, friendly, and non threatening. It is important with these communications that they be delivered at the address or in a way that the recepient will be most comfortable. If you are the adoptee and you know that your birthparent has not shared your existance with their family sending notes to their home is not something that will build trust!

If the reunion suffered a major setback as seems to be the case with Marcia, the response might be dependent on what caused the setback.  Sometimes that is not known, which of couse makes things a bit more delicate.  Still I would encourage communication at special high days like Christmas (or other significant holiday time), birthday, and maybe the anniversary of first communication or first meeting. I would encourage you to approach these communications again as a one sided conversation, but tell more of your life.  Sharing is the key here, and since the communication is not as frequent the sharing can be a little more in depth. Again, asking questions helps to invite a return conversation, but to expect a response is often the first step toward your own disappointment. Sometimes including pictures can help you to become "real" to them again.

When a reunion has gone quiet, and there has not been a specific request for a permanent halt of communication, I believe that holding the door open in as non threatening a way as possible should be done.  During this time it is often important for the person "holding the door open" to have extra support from caring and knowledgeable people.

I hold onto hope until I have good reason not to... and sometimes even then!  LOL  It is important however to remember that when you offer the perverbial olive branch you must be ready to be available if it is accepted.  Getting the support you need to keep your own balance is imperative as resentment and insecurity do take their toll when you feel you alone are holding onto the relationship.

Comments

[MT]

I don't know whether to nudge or wait for my birthdaughter to nudge me! I've heard nothing from her, other than a simple email "thinking of you" only (that was the message), since Mother's Day 2005. I have sent a few nudges email and card nudges, but nothing from her ever.
Do I just retire from nudging (give up)? Her 32nd birthday is coming up in 8 weeks and last year was the first year I was able to send her a birthday card.
I have never met her, last receiving a phone call from her July 2004.
Thank you. MT

[Teri]

I would have to agree with Christi on this. Space the nudges out somewhat but do not give up. Maybe as children sometimes do they test us as parents. And maybe, just maybe, they need to know that you are going to be there for the long haul. To know we are not going to walk out of their lives again. And as a smart cookie once told me if you don't know what they are thinking then ask!

[Peggy]

I guess my comment is...I had a wonderful reunion with my son of 29. Spent 9 days with him and many, many hours on web cam and chat. After the 9 days with him, he's making plans for us to be together again, and then when I get home, he e-mails and wants no more contact. It's been a year. He changed his e-mail and moved. Went from being overjoyed to be disheartened very quickly. His aparents had a hard time with me visiting him and made it known to him. He went from calling me mom to saying, "you're not my mother and I'm not your son". Is this normal and do they come back after exchanging such love, only to turn to anger? I feel like I've been side swiped like a tornado came into town out of no where and when it left, it left me wondering, what just happened??! I was beginning I got revisited by the bdad who made promises, led me on and then dropped me. My son made all kinds of promises to me and then dropped me. Is this normal?

[Teri]

Peggy you don't say if your bson is married or not but I would say just to make sure that door is always open. Since you no longer have an email for him you can't let him know that but hopefully he got to know you well enough to know how you think in some ways. I think sometimes we need to try to put ourselves in their shoes. You know I remember what the first months were like reuniting with my bson and not all family members saw what I did nor agreed. So I would imagine your bson was being pulled in all different directions from everyone. And also couldn't bear to have the people that raised him (his mom and dad) be hurt. Sounds to me like he most likely made an impulse decision on what others wanted him to do. Would have to say this is very normal for both sides. Just hang in there. May be a while but in the mean time do alot of reading and talking (to Christi). It helps and then your better prepared for your future meeting.