Adoption Reunion Support

He dropped me...

Peggy posted a question about her son who seemed eager for contact early in their reunion and then did an about face shortly after their first meeting. Peggy's son is 29 and his adoptive family was not supportive of the reunion.  Her question is "is his change of heart normal and will he come back?"

Peggy, first let me say that I feel for you deeply.  Opening yourself up to a possible future relationship only to have it dramatically disappear seemingly overnight is one of the hardest aspects of some reunions.

Unfortunately pullback IS more normal than not, although it doesn't always happen quite as suddenly as it seems to have with your son.

May you be blessed

Take a few moments... sit quietly, breathe deeply.

Open your heart to peace.

Be present.

Enjoy. 

May You Be Blessed

This was shared with me by my dear friend Katherine Kilcullen who needs and has God's blessing at this time in her life.  I love you Kath...

Obsessive Thoughts?

Audrey poses the question of whether obsessive thoughts of her birthson are normal - even after an extended reunion? I would have to say, "yes" - for some birthmothers.  Obviously you are an involved birthmother eager for contact with her son.  So, your thoughts go that way frequently along with, no doubt, your wonderings about his life past and present.

If you were a birthmother who didn't want contact, who had never dealt with her feelings about the past or who was feeling frustrated with the complexities of reunion I doubt those obsessive thoughts would be present. And, in that situation I would have to say that the lack of obsessive thoughts was also normal.

Audrey, you asked if this was a habit?  I think that to some extent our thinking does become habitual.  And, if these thoughts are more pleasant than not it would of course encourage this habit, right?  I know that many of us are structured in our day to day lives. We have schedules throughout the day with chores, work, meals, commuting etc.  It is normal for people to "schedule in" time for various mental tasks - including thinking about the people in their lives.

Are you believing your thoughts?

We often are aware that the things that go round and round in our minds are hurting us.  Our thoughts confuse us.  Our thoughts mire us in one place.  Does this sound familiar to you?

Listen to this short audio clip of Byron Katie explaining her view of thoughts and see how perhaps your perception about what your thoughts are... changes.

Please offer feedback.... I would love to know how you "heard" this.

Click here

Nudges.. how often?

This question was posted by Marcia, "I have been a birthmom in reunion for 5 years, only the first year being "good". My daughter is non-communicative and my question is how often should I send friendly emails or cards trying to let her know I am not going anywhere and will be here for her when she decides (hopefully) to pick up the pace of reunion?"

I think that nudges need to be spaced out depending on how long the reunion has had to develop. Also, there are no clear cut rules here, so the personalities and the reason for the "pull back" have to be taken into consideration.  If the person pulling back is very timid it would be easy to overwhelm them with too many nudges causing them to possibly feel extremely pressured.  If the person pulling back is generally a self assured individual who has been  lacking confidence in this one area more frequent nudges might be more appropriate.

Books to read

Lis posted the question, "What books &/or other resources would you recommend to a birthparent as preparation for communication with adoptee and his family. "

There are a few ways to tackle this issue.  I tend to be in favor or first getting a smattering overview through such books as the famous Lost and Found, Birthbond or Birthright. It is also possible that you could gain much through reading some specific memoirs such as The Same Smile or Ithaka. Or you could go to the more clinical and heavy end and read Primal Wound. 

I think that in the very beginning a "smattering" type of approach is best for a few reasons.

How much to share?

This is in response to a post by Heather who asked how much of her pain, struggle and negative history surrounding her son's conception and birth should she share with him now.

I am a huge proponent of honesty.  I am also a firm believer that being gentle and kind are absolutely necessary components of a healthy relationship.  Therefore, this becomes a balancing act more than anything else.

I would offer caution at first and encourage you to look inward.  When thinking about telling your son anything that could be negative or hurtful to him ask yourself why.  Are you attempting to simply answer his question - or is there a deeper motivation?