How much to share?

This is in response to a post by Heather who asked how much of her pain, struggle and negative history surrounding her son's conception and birth should she share with him now.

I am a huge proponent of honesty.  I am also a firm believer that being gentle and kind are absolutely necessary components of a healthy relationship.  Therefore, this becomes a balancing act more than anything else.

I would offer caution at first and encourage you to look inward.  When thinking about telling your son anything that could be negative or hurtful to him ask yourself why.  Are you attempting to simply answer his question - or is there a deeper motivation?

If you are simply being honest then it should be possible for you to give him "just the facts" without a lot of overblown emotion.  He may be interested in the story, but not ready to take the emotional baggage that comes with it. If you have other motivations you may need to take a deeper look at your thoughts, beliefs, fears or other feelings (anger, pain etc).

I worked with a birthmom at one point who was deeply wounded and still feeling quite raw about the lack of support she received from her family during her pregnancy 20 years prior.  When talking with her I would frequently remind her --> "don't make your crap his crap".  True enough she had her issues. No doubt about that. But that didn't mean it was necessary to make them HIS issues too.  Reminding her of this helped her focus on her healing and enabled her separate her baggage from his story.

Remember, your son is asking questions about his conception to help fill in the holes in his story.  There will probably come a time when he will be curious about YOUR story too, but that might not be yet.  To throw too much of your story onto him too soon could prove to be a heavy burden, and cause distance between you.

Please note that I am not encouraging you to not tell the truth - I am simply asking you to be able to hear what his question really is - and answer it as kindly and simply as possible.  If he wants more information he is obviously capable of asking more questions! :)

Comments

[LeeAnn]

"Don't make your crap his crap." That's me!! Yes, I needed to hear that, and it saved me from loading onto my birthson way too much information that would have caused him discomfort, and possibly, unnecessary hatred, IMO. (Thank you, Christi!) This discussion with Christi was about my mom, rather than my boyfriend. And the mother/daughter relationship can be just as, if not more, complicated, IMHO. What was bothering me with concern to her was really of no concern to him, it was an issue between her and me.
When I think about my relationship with my son's birthfather, I can put it in the perspective of, "How much would I tell my other kids about my relationship with their dad, even though it does not involve adoption?" I am happily married. They really are not interested, and frankly, if they heard dating details now or in the future I think they would be a little creeped out. This relationship is between a man and a woman, it is that personal. My kids will have their own relationships at some point, and then they will understand how intimate and personal those relationships are. So I don't think this will be an issue of concern for my birthson. He does know the basic facts of how everything happened, how his birthdad in effect turned his back. Because of this, he's not interested in meeting his birthdad. He's still young, maybe someday he will change his mind if he sees fit to do that. In any event, I emphasize the positives that I see in my birthson from his birthdad, such as his incredible mechanical ability. I stress that he "got all the good stuff", and that his birthdad was very young, overwhelmed, and up against alot when everything happened. That usually calms his thoughts, as he has felt resentful of late. I hope this is helpful in some way. LeeAnn :-)