He dropped me...

Peggy posted a question about her son who seemed eager for contact early in their reunion and then did an about face shortly after their first meeting. Peggy's son is 29 and his adoptive family was not supportive of the reunion.  Her question is "is his change of heart normal and will he come back?"

Peggy, first let me say that I feel for you deeply.  Opening yourself up to a possible future relationship only to have it dramatically disappear seemingly overnight is one of the hardest aspects of some reunions.

Unfortunately pullback IS more normal than not, although it doesn't always happen quite as suddenly as it seems to have with your son.

The concept of a tightrope is familiar to most adoptees.  For the adoptee a real part of their reality that they have TWO mothers.  This reality however is not supported by most adoptive families (especially adoptive mothers) or by society.  When an adoptee enters into reunion the emotions that surge forth are usually larger than life.   For an uneducated adoptive family this unforeseen emotional display is quite disquieting and threatening.

It would appear that your son's family was discussing his situation and that he was under some extreme pressure to bend to their views and realign himself with them in an effort to re-establish his place in the family and protect his emotional security.

You mentioned that your son is 29.  That age, while definitely adult, is sometimes not reflective of as much independent thinking as one might guess.  Frequently adoptees are unwilling to stay in a situation where they feel they must choose between their adoptive family and their birth family.  In these cases most adoptees will choose their adoptive family. While this is painful it is often understandable.  This "forced choosing" seems to diminish as the adoptee ages and established themselves within their own family unit via marriage or serious partnering.

If your time with your son was good I do believe that he will return to you - eventually if he feels that it would be safe to re-approach you.  This may be dependent however on him being able to do that and "save face".  You mentioned that he had moved and that you had lost contact with him.  If you know his name it is possible to find him again.  Depending on your emotional state and the amount of support available for you this would be something to consider.  I would caution you about trying to re-establish any intense relationship again as he will certainly be "gun shy".  But, if any contact is to be made at a later date it will most likely only happen if he knows that he has an open door upon which to knock. Note: For many adoptees who pull back they do not feel free to try to reunite again until their adoptive parents have passed away and the risk of causing pain to their family unit (parents in particular) is no longer a concern.

As a personal note to you, I would encourage you to work with me or someone experienced with adoption issues to help you become grounded once again.  Only through your own personal evolution will you be able to find the stability necessary for a second try at reunion to have the basis upon which to grow.  If you would like to talk please contact me. I would be more than happy to support you through this time as you regroup and heal yourself.

Comments

[Audrey]

Peggy, I had a very similar experience in my reunion with my bson.I searched for him through the agency from which he had been adopted. It was a 2.5 year process from the time of first inquiry until I was phoned by the social worker assigned to my case, to say that contact had been made with my son and that he was amenable to proceding with some contact. It was a long process frought with delays and so little communication. Every little scrap of info I obtained from him was piecemeal and just left more questions than answers, mostly via the caseworker. To make my long story shorter, he did tell me a year later in a brief email that he didn't feel "ready for this now" and hoped that maybe someday he might be. Leaving the door ever so slightly ajar. I assumed I would never hear from him again. I was heartbroken. It was akin to relinquishing him a second time. I didn'ty reply to his email but 7 months later I did send him a short em on Mother's Day 2000. No reply. I knew his first name only, had an email address at his place of work and 5 photos he had sent. That was it. he had my full name and address, etc. I learned 3 months after initial contact that he was living and working in Japan but that his aparents lived in western Canada. The idea that he was so far away threw me too. One day, out of the blue, literally, a tiny text message arrived, saying, "I think I'm ready to talk" I was flabberghasted! I hesitated for all of 5 minutes before I answered him. I wondered if I was in for more heartbreak? I felt I had to risk it, all the same. That was June 5, 2001. We are still in reunion and it just gets better with each passing year! I finally spoke with him on the phone that week in June and met him F2F for first time in Europe the following year at his wedding. He and his wife have visited my husband and me in 2004 and he has met our children, his half sister and brother. Last May my husband and I visited them in Japan for 10 days. Our next meeting is being planned for this coming August in Europe again. All this and his aparents still don't know about our second reunion! That pretty well tells me that they were opposed. I have told you all this to give you hope for the future with your son. I thought mine at age 34 would be ready but he was not. He is now 42 and there has been such a change. Give it time. I almost guarantee that your son will rethink and want to know you. Good luck! Audrey

[Linda Hickey]

Audrey.. Having just read your post regarding hope for the future..I thank you for providing me too with the hope that my birth son will also come forward and trust that I only wish for the best for us both. We had a face to face reunion in February 06 and it was tremendous. We spent 8 days together and it was as if we had known each other for our whole lives. My situation is that I married my birth sons father and had three other wonderful sons.. So he (Bruce) has three full blood brothers to deal with along with finding his birth mother. I sometimes wonder how does he cope so much and the last couple of months the correspondence and phone calls have dropped off. I am concerned... not so much for me but for him... I don't want him to be overwhelmed with so much but deep inside I want the same contact as my other sons. To my way of thinking he is mine and I don't feel any different than with my other sons (they are all identical) Here is my current delimia... Should I call my birth son Bruce if there is no contact for a while... or should I let him have time.. I sometimes feel that if I don't call he will think I don't care.. but I don't want to cause him any stress.. any suggestions greatly appreciated.

Take care & Thanks Linda

[Ann]

Linda - I know you were asking Audrey but as she hasn't replied, I thought I would give you my "take" on contact etiquette. In my own reunion with my son (4years) we began by each responding to the other's mail or phone call weekly. After about 6 months, contact seemed to be further and further apart so I began initiating the calls or e-mails and we now communicate about once or twice a month with me doing the ringing or writing.
I drove myself silly in those early days - thinking he didn't care, and beating myself up for being so needy. When I started asking what he needed, my fears disappeared. He was wondering why I had pulled back.

I'm very aware of the need for bmothers not to smother, but I need to hear his voice, know he is happy and well, and to keep the dialogue going forward. He needs to know I care - continue to want this reunion, and we both needed to get to the point of trusting each other. I believe we are there now. (Building trust is so important).
If I was walking in your shoes, I would definitely get in touch with him. After all, what have you got to loose. A short phone call or e-mail asking him what he is comfortable with would ease your concern and allow him to set the pace if he needs to..... and until you address the level of contact, you are only assuming or guessing his reaction and putting yourself under stress.
One other point I would like to answer from your posting......Like you, I too wanted my son to be just that. The same as my two homegrown kids/adults. But the reality is he is not the same. He has one sister with no biological connection that he has spent a lifetime with and knows inside out, and a second that he's met twice. He has obligations to another family and they will always come first. I don't ever want to become another responsibility or an obligation - I want to be a person who brings another dimmension to his life. I couldn't nurture the infant but I definitely want to nurture this relationship we have. And the only way I know to do this is to communicate honestly, listen well and believe we will share each others future in a different way. Not better or worse - just different.
Regards & Good Thoughts
Ann

[Christi Bender]

Hi Linda,

And Hi Audrey too - thanks for posting your story... GREAT STUFF!

Linda, I think that touching base every so often is a good thing as it keeps the door open. The "timing" is really the question, with the secondary one being "what method".

Timing is tricky.... too much feels pushy, too little can feel cold. It is better to err on the side of too little though. This is one area where I really think you need to "hear your little voice". There are no rules. What is right for one person - every other week - might be horribly overwhelming for another.

If your son hasn't clearly stated that "he isn't ready to continue", but has just dropped off, I think you need to review how often contact WAS being made - and make it at double that interval. So, if you were hearing from him every two weeks before he dropped off, then contact him once a month. If you were hearing from him once a month then contact him every other month.

Regarding the METHOD of contact.... if most of your contact was via the phone then that might be comfortable. If it was via email then stick to that. Be aware that in person or phone contact can feel "pressured" as it requires an immediate response. Email is immediate, but can sometimes be viewed as "less personal" - but is usually private. Snail mail is the "warmest" way to keep in touch with little short cards that arrive randomly to break up the junk and bills that all too often clog our mailboxes. But, it is less private if that is an issue in your case.

I am sorry that there aren't any specific "answers" to your situation, but I hope that some of these thoughts will help you find what is the best path for you and your son at this time.

Big Hugs,
Christi
www.MyReunionCoach.com

[Linda Hickey]

A very sincere thank you to you all for your kind, truthful words of wisdom which bring me great comfort! I wish to convey that I am still corresponding with my new found son and it's appears on all accouts that he is OK with everything. I am understanding more and more that he has a full life with a wife, a high pressure job, a lot of travel and of course his fabulous adoptive family. I am ever grateful for each email, telephone conversation and try my utmost to accept him for the beautiful person he is. I am truly grateful for your advice and thank you for taking the time to respond! I wish you all the very best life has to offer. God Bless! Sincerely Linda