Books to read

Lis posted the question, "What books &/or other resources would you recommend to a birthparent as preparation for communication with adoptee and his family. "

There are a few ways to tackle this issue.  I tend to be in favor or first getting a smattering overview through such books as the famous Lost and Found, Birthbond or Birthright. It is also possible that you could gain much through reading some specific memoirs such as The Same Smile or Ithaka. Or you could go to the more clinical and heavy end and read Primal Wound. 

I think that in the very beginning a "smattering" type of approach is best for a few reasons.

1. Your reunion is still new and no two reunions are alike - so you don't know exactly what issues YOU will be confronting, what personalities will be involved and what elements will be smooth sailing or rough seas. Without this detailed information it would be very hard to buy a book that was more focused.
2. In the beginning it is important to find out as much as possible about the possibilities - a smattering approach will do this.  If you bought a memoir like Ithaka (which was written by an found adoptee who struggled with her feelings about forming a relationship with her birthfamily) and your birthchild was very eager for communication the value of that book would not be immediately evident.
3. A clinical book can often be "off-putting" and scary.  Adoption reunion is a very emotional time. It almost never feels logical, and to try to put statistics and research onto your emotional landscapes is like trying to think your way into your feelings. It often doesn't happen that way.

Once your reunion is a little further way along its path your specific issues will become clear. At that point it is helpful to look into a more focused kind of memoir or "study based" book for your answers.

Regardless though - I feel that each journey is unique. There are no two situations that "are the same".  The number of variables which come into play simply makes it impossible for any two people to face the exact same kinds of situations.  In the end it is your journey and your growth.  To look too much toward any book for answers to your questions is to cheat yourself out of the possibility of exploring every aspect of your own situation.

Reading is an important part of being prepared for your reunion and it can give you great amount of knowledge and confidence.  Once IN your reunion though, the answers you are really seeking are IN you... it is then more a case of finding the right path to help you pull them out and see them clearly.

Coaching, therapy and  support groups are all good ways to help you open up and learn how to look inward for your own answers.

Comments

[kim]

I'd like to recommend the books by Evelyn Burns Robinson. You can find her books through www.clovapublications.com