There are a lot of people out there who are in reunion... but you'd barely know it. Most of them have had some contact - and frequently they have even met face to face. But it seems that their reunion is going nowhere fast.
Over and over again I hear people complain about how the "other person" isn't giving them what they need. And usually that complaint seems pretty reasonable because often what the other person is offering is, well... not much of anything.
And so, PATIENCE has become a very dirty word for a lot of people. And, when it runs out they find themselves looking into their sack of tricks.
Continue reading "Asking for what you want" »
Months ago I published a success story in my newsletter about a young woman who sent her birthfather a letter. Actually she sent him a letter and got no response. Then she worked with me and we put together a second letter which resulted in him contacting her in just three days! It was a very happy time.
Things between she and her "biodad" (as he calls himself) have been steadily progressing and despite living on opposite coasts they are forming a good relationship. As she prepared to meet him for the first time she felt it was important to be open with her family (she was raised by her birthmother and adopted by her birthmother's husband). The reaction that she received was not what she had hoped for....
Continue reading "My Mom Can't Cope" »
Sally wrote to me about a situation she is having with her 30 year old birthson who has moved into her home. To say that things are stressful would be a huge understatement. Her concerns cover issues such as: cleanliness, helpfulness, physical threats, laziness, and a victim mentality. She came to me asking how she should deal with the fact that her birthson is not living up to the "agreement" they made when he moved in.
Our first discussion related to her motivations for allowing him to move in in the first place. Her reasons seemed to boil down to a simple answer when all was said, explained, hashed out and pondered upon....
Continue reading "Setting Limits" »
We all go through it... the flood of emotion. I am sure that you have felt it too.... powerful surges of emotion so strong that they knock you off your feet, kick you in the gut, make your head spin, steal your sleep and if you are lucky from time to time - pull you up to Cloud 9.
I receive a lot of correspondence from people asking if these overwhelming emotions are normal. "Oh God yes!" is always my answer. In fact, based on my experience, if you aren't feeling overwhelming emotions you aren't participating in your search or reunion! This is simply one of the rare events in a person's life that can completely change their priorities, at least for a while.
But how do you cope?
Continue reading "Too Many Emotions" »
As summertime approaches - so do thoughts of travel, vacation, and family get togethers. For many people in reunion these travel plans bring happy thoughts and frustrating struggles as everyone tries to figure out "the details".
Within normal families it is not uncommon to find visitors sacked out on the couch, the floor, or taking over the kids' bedrooms. But, within a reunited family the lines of comfort about such things are often blurred.....
Continue reading "Vacation Travel" »
This post is in relation to the post immediately below, but I think it requires its own entry.
When reunions start out often there are wonderful hopes, dreams and visions. People want to have the "family they never did". They want everyone to get along and it seems completely reasonable that compromise in some ways will happen easily - since everyone understands the situation is unique and may require a little extra effort.
Sometimes however this doesn't happen. When REALITY comes crashing down on the dream of "happily ever after" it makes the unique situation of a newly formed family sound an awful lot like
Continue reading "Oh, How We Judge..." »
Lisa submitted a post addressing a situation she has with her birthsibling. Lisa is a "kept" child who found her relinquished birth sister. The reunion has had its ups and downs with the adoptee displaying some inconsistent behavior. The adoptee acts as if she wants to be treated better than the kept children by the birth mother and wants control over the reunion in terms of contact and tone.
Lisa, I want to start out by commending you for taking the initiative of finding your sister. I really think that is wonderful! In your post you mentioned that when you found her she was in her mid 20's. Sometimes the mid 20's can be a turbulent time as people are trying to find themselves, finish school, start a career, find a mate and maybe start a family. There can be a lot going on! But, that said it doesn't explain away some of her behaviors.
Continue reading "Adoptees who reject Birth-Siblings" »
Someone posted a comment about "what if you find out your birth parent is deceased"? For sure this is a tough situation and something that everyone should contemplate when they begin a search. This is one of the reasons identifying your reasons for searching can be very helpful.
If you have thought about why a search is important for YOU, it could be that most of your reasons for it can still be satisfied. Focusing on that is very important because it helps to balance out the disappointment that will surely come at some point.
For most of us there are certain answers that can ONLY come from our birth parents...
Continue reading "Finding a grave..." »
Julie submitted a question about her birth son (they have been in reunion for 6 years). They have limited contact and from what Julie posted her son seems to fall back on his adoption as the "excuse" for his life not being all that it could be. He is also inconsistent in his words and actions regarding his relationship with Julie - saying that he loves her, but barely having any contact and blaming her for his life's circumstances. Julie wants to know what she can do to help him.
Julie - first off I want to let you know that I really admire your tenacity in staying in this reunion because it must be very hard and frequently very painful.
At the risk of being redundant to other publications I will offer this to start: People often resist taking responsibility for their lives! It appears that your son has bought into the convenient
Continue reading "Tired of the victim story" »
MT has posed a question about sending a birthday card to her birth daughter on what would have been her birth daughter's due date. They have had almost no contact except for a few very brief exchanges over the last couple of years. MT has proposed this, " The card from me would simply say, "(Name), I'm sending this on your original due date, March 21st. Both the 21st and the 5th are days I never forget. I hope you have a wonderful birthday, I'm thinking of you."
MT - I think that sending a birthday card is perfectly okay. Your daughter has never told you NOT to contact her and you have not made a habit of making contact more than a few times a year. What you are proposing writing is thoughtful, intimate and warm. It is not pushy, as you are not asking her for anything. It is not overwhelming as you are not sharing your feelings, difficult as I know they must be.
Continue reading "Birthday card?" »
The following question was submitted, "How often does G.S.A. happen? and how can you tell if it is the beginning of that, or just an intense relationship? What is the best way to handle it."
Genetic Sexual Attraction is said to exist at some level in approximately 50% of all reunions. In the vast majority of these reunions this attraction is kept in check and slowly fades as the new familial roles are developed and accepted as normal.
The BEST way to tell if this is happening or if the relationship is just rushing forward in a "more normal" sense is to simply ask lots of questions. Honestly bringing up the conversation without being accusing or defensive will encourage the open discussion of all feelings and reactions. Many times the new feelings in a reunion are confusing, mixed and very hard to articulate. Through the process of discussion these feelings can be more clearly understood by all parties.
Continue reading "Genetic Sexual Attraction" »
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